The Ten Things I Never Want to Hear From Zoo Visitors Again…

"I love to go to the zoo.  But not on Sunday.  I don't like to see the people making fun of the animals, when it should be the other way around."

- Ernest Hemingway

Before we get into the list itself, I want to clear something up.  I really do like zoo visitors.  In fact, before I became a keeper, I spent a lot of time as one (and still do!).  I’d say 95 percent of them are good folks, coming to the zoo to learn about the animals or have a good a time with their friends and families.  Still, as much as I hate to admit it, it’s the other 5% that you often remember at the end of the day.  Most of those five percent or so mean no harm, I’m sure.  They just say and do things (tap on glass, for example) that we all find incredibly annoying. 
 
And so, with that in mind, here are ten things I never want to hear from zoo visitors again.'

1.) "Boy, is that animal ugly/smelly/funny-looking!"

Yeah, you know what?  They probably think the same about you. 

2.) "There's supposed to be a ___________ in here..."

There probably is.  You just can’t find it because we care about our animals enough to give them hiding places and privacy.  Besides, when you say “supposed to” like that, it’s like your implying that we’re lying to/cheating you.

3.) "Hey, that [zookeeper/aquarist/other employee] is a funny-looking animal!"

Seriously, do we go to your workplace and make fun of you?   This is a zookeeper version of telling basketball jokes to a tall person.  We’ve heard every version of them, and none of them are funny.  Every single idiot who makes this joke seems to think that they're the first to have thought of it.  Not only are you rude... you're unoriginal.

4.) "Look, he's feeding something!" (as you carry a bottle of bleach, bucket of paint, etc.)

Way to get everyone’s hopes up.  I promise, if I’m about to feed something in public, I’ll let you know.  Until then, let me paint in peace.

5.) "Oh, I want one as a pet!"

No, no you don’t.  Exotic animals are not pets.  We don’t treat our charges as pets, and neither should you.  (Besides, as soon as you tire of – or get injured by – your pet, you’re going to try to pawn it off on the zoo, anyway). 

6.) "Why doesn't it move, can't you make it move?"

Yeah, I can.  I guess I could poke it with a stick or something.  That being said, I could poke you with a stick and I bet you would move.  Wouldn’t like it much though, would you?  Neither would the animal.

7.) "See honey?  This is why you need to go to college, so you don't end up like that [pointing at a zookeeper]."

Now, I’ve never heard this one myself, but enough colleagues have for me to feel that I must include it.  Virtually every zookeeper has at least a college degree, and many have graduate school under their belt.  Even the ones that don't have a lot of formal education under their belts tend to be very intelligent – after all, they have to know all about their charges, and have to solve a constant stream of problems that no sane person would have to deal with.  That’s not the point.  The point is that what you are saying is not only incorrect… it’s just unbelievably rude. 

8.) Any joke about hunting or eating the zoo animals.

Many zookeepers eat meat.  Some hunt.  That doesn’t mean we want to hear you casually joke about killing the animals that we love and care for… assholes.

9.) Any use of the phrase "real zoo" (as in, "Next time let's go to a real zoo...")

I’ve spent a lot of my career working at small zoos, and had to deal with this line.  A zoo isn’t defined by what animals it has on display.  It is defined by what it is does with them – how it cares for them, what mission it serves.  I’ve seen elephants, bears, and big cats in dingy roadside zoos made of chicken wire and two-by-fours.  I’ve seen wonderful, excellent zoos – wholly devoted to conservation and education – without an animal larger than a sheep.

 10.) "The animals look sad/I feel bad for them"

 If you see things wrong with an animal or the way it is cared for, it’s only right to ask questions of the keeper.  When people have concerns, I feel that they should be addressed.  What I can’t stand is when people say this so casually, so lightly, without bothering to find out if there actually is a problem or not.  Think an animal is lonely because you only see one?  Maybe it's solitary and would be stressed out by other animals... or maybe there are others in there that you can't see.  Parents, how would you feel if someone casually criticized you for how you raised children?  That’s kind of how I feel when I hear a visitor, without giving a thought, make a comment like that.   

Did I miss something?  Got your own pet peeve?  Add it in the comments!

Also, don't miss The One Thing I Never Want to Hear from Zoo Staff Again!