Zoo Joke: Snake Bite

Disclaimer: This is a joke.  It is meant to be taken as a joke.  It is not an accurate description of how to handle a venomous snake bite.  I may write a serious post about venomous snake bite at some point, but this is not it.  Just in case anyone reading this is actually dumb enough to check this blog for help during a medical emergency, you may consider yourself both warned and fully chastised.  

Two zookeepers are working in the Reptile House.  One of them opens up an exhibit door (without looking carefully first!) and is bitten directly in between the legs by an angry king cobra.  Panicking, his colleague rushes to the curator's office to ask for instructions.

"You're in luck," the curator said upon hearing the news.  "This isn't the first time that this has happened here, and we've worked out our protocol so it's foolproof.  Are you ready?"

"Yes!"  exclaimed the zookeeper, "Just tell me what I need to do to save him!"

"Ok, first thing you have to do is have him show you the bitten area," the curator explained.  "Then, get a sharp knife and make an incision over the bite.  Then, you need to put your mouth on it - forming a tight seal - and suck all the venom out and spit it out.  Make sure you don't have any cuts in your own mouth first, otherwise the venom will get into your blood and you'll die."

"Oh... and that's, um, that's the only way to save him?"

"The only way," confirmed the curator, sagely.

The keeper mumbled a "thank you", and then returned to his bitten colleague.

"What did he say, what did he say?!?" asked the bitten keeper, shaking with fear.

"I'm sorry, man," said his friend, patting him on the back.  "He said you're probably going to die..."