Another piece of satire from The Onion (they get a lot of mileage out of zoos, don't they?).
To be fair, I've often thought about what I would say to the animals under my care if I could speak to them (I mean, I do speak to them, but if they could understand me). What I would like to say most of all, I've decided, is a message to the deer, the antelope, the kangaroos, and all of the other flighty, perpetually skittish prey species that I work with: It's been ten years and we haven't eaten you yet, I promise, we're not just bidding our time... so calm the hell down.
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