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Saturday, December 24, 2016

The Night Before Christmas

It's not December 24th without someone making a Christmas-zoo parody.  This year's clever take is by Erik Heinonen:


'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Mus musculus.
The children were crashed all spread on their beds,
Dreaming of Kratt Brothers and their sifaka friend.
I'd fed the cat and the fish and changed into my night clothes,
Ready to watched Zookeeper Rick on all the late night talk shows.
When out in the skies their arouse such a sound,
I jumped out of bed to see what was going down.
I ran to the window, quickly mind you,
Threw open the curtains and pulled by the blinds
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a golf cart pulled by 0.8 Rangifer tarandus.
With a cute little driver so tan and so strong,
I knew in a moment she must be... a zookeeper?
Those caribou flew quick leaving a trail of hot flame,
And the zoo lady whistled and clicked and called them by name,
"On Colo, on Nola, on  Masala, on Candy,
On Temu, on Dee, on Rika, on Spazzy McGee!
Hurry up, find your station, be calm and don't fight,
The boss hasn't authorized OT tonight."
So onto the roof these Artiodactyls they slammed,
And behind them a golf cart full of toys and a zookeeper crammed.
And then on the roof I could hear the click clack,
When ungulate leg sinews pop, snap, and crack.
I made for the stairs and round the corner I racedm=,
Just as that keeper popped from the fireplace.
She was dressed in a shirt that was made for a fellow,
And khaki pants with hay pieces and stains of brown-yellow.
In her hands were a broom, a rake, and a hose;
What she planned to use them on, nobody knows.
Her eyes showed the enthusiasm needed to save species,
And her mouth hummed that Taylor Swift song the radio plays at least ten freakin' times a day
(Really? Give it a rest already.)
Her hair was pulled up in a ponytail, which hung through a cap in a line,
And her belt, for some reason, was just baling twine
She was tired from spending the day scrubbing and mopping
And I felt bad that she'd worked Christmas Eve while I'd been shopping.
With a nod and an eye roll I knew she had to be quick,
Because on his busiest day Santa Claus had called in sick.
She need not say anything, but got right to the job,
Of gifting out Leathermans, new boots, and key fobs.
And just like that in a second she took off up the chimney,
Climbing as fast as a Diana monkey. 
She climbed back in the cart and gave the sD,
And the reindeer took off, fast as can be.
And I heard her exclaim, as she drove out of sight,
"Let's get this show on the road, I can't believe I've got to be at work in three hours!"

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